How to Change a Flat Tire (Without Feeling like a Failure)

Hey Internet,

My name is The Noah,

and THIS is Noahbody Cares!


My younger sister Nat also has a blog and it's low key pretty great (linked to in the vicinity of right about here: natandarthur.wordpress.com). In that blog she anthropomorphizes her Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis (that means she gives human characteristics to it. You just can't get through one of my posts without learning a word... unless you already knew that word. It's not that uncommon, so maybe you did.) and calls him "Arthur." I think this is super cool because it gives her the ability to talk about her arthritis with friends or in public without having to explain the condition to people who will never wrap their heads around it. She can just say "Arthur's been a pain in the butt lately". By anthropomorphizing him she can also confront him by saying things like "I know eating healthier gives me more power over Arthur, but I still have to live with him for now." 

Her blog gave me the inspiration to plagiarize...
 hold on. I think University might be monitoring my online activity. I SAID: Her blog gave me the inspiration to do a similar but different thing while citing the original source... Is that fine? In MLA 8? Is that what you want?? 
Arthur, Natalie N. “Weekend Recap.” NAT&ARTHUR, 24 Sept. 2018, natandarthur.wordpress.com/2018/09/.
What do you want from me University?

Anyway, I wanted to talk something when I started this post. Oh yeah, my weekend with anxie - I mean my weekend with Axel

"Google: names that start with a and contain an x"

... So I got a flat tire Tuesday. Like, I hit something on the way into the parking lot and punched a baseball sized hole in my tire. Axel was in the car with me and he starting flipping out, telling me I was a failure and I need to take care of my car or else I'll go broke and not be able to afford to eat and have to take time off college to work fast food while the rest of my class progresses without me! I tried to calm him down and then ran to class. I'll just deal with the tire this afternoon. Tuesdays are pretty full for me this semester, so I actually forgot about it until Axel brought it up while we were studying for an engineering test. 

Here's my guide to changing a flat tire (without feeling like a failure):

STEP 1: Don't start at midnight

I had already failed at step one, so if I accidentally ran over myself or broke something, I would be alone in a parking lot after midnight. My phone was close to dying because Axel doesn't trust me to take my charger I use by my bed with me to school (You'll lose it and then you won't be able charge your phone at night. You're nothing without your phone). But I had enough battery to call roadside assistance... That's step 2 I guess.

STEP 2: Have roadside assistance (or friends)

Perfect! Now I'd have someone to spot me change this tire. I had spare under my trunk, and I could even get the jack and tire out before they get here. See Axel, I am responsible. This is the adultiest thing I've done in weeks! BOOM!  .....um...

STEP 3: Get out the spare

I, uh, I need to open my trunk to get to the spare tire... And it got stuck last week so... Figure it out when roadside assistance gets here? Question Mark?

STEP 3 (again): Get out the spare

Roadside assistance got there and after an awkward exchange where I tried to explain my situation, she attempted to open my trunk from the inside and the outside......... we decided I should find another way to get home. 

My mom and sister picked me up a few minutes later, then I went home feeling for lack of a better phrase wholly tired. 

Next morning I took my youngest sister's car to campus, (thanks a lot Noelle!) and then took another crack at cracking open my trunk after class.

STEP 3 (day 2): Get out the spare

The following transcript is a dramatized rendition:

The Noah: I can do this! Just have to watch YouTube and figure it out.

Axel: Noah, you're a freakin idiot. You know nothing about cars. You have no plan. Googling a plan isn't a plan!

YouTube: Idk, maybe try scratch up the sides of your trunk a bit trying to pry of our breaklights.

The Noah: That scratched up my car. What next.

Axel: This isn't working you idiot! Time to panic!

The Noah: STOP IT! I can do this! YouTube, Next step!

YouTube: Oh, I don't freaking know.

AND scene! ... Okay, Step 3 is a bust

STEP 2 (again): Have roadside assistance (or friends)

I still had parents, relatives, and David to ask for advice, so I started a group text and asked what I should do. We eventually decided I should just buy a new tire. Now we were getting somewhere! At the heat of the day, I decided it's time for step 4...

STEP 4: Remove your entire wheel

Substeps for removing a wheel, pay close attention:

     a. Find rocks to keep the car from sliding forward or backward just in case the breaks fail... Easier said than done in the middle of a downtown parking lot with 0 rocks in sight.
     b. Lift car on jack.
     c. Try to loosen lugnuts on tire... Which just makes the free wheel spin in the air.
     d. Lower car back on the ground.
     e. Try to loosen lugnuts on tire... They are really tight!       f. Argue with Axel about whether you're a wimp or you're going to push yourself too hard and get hurt or any number of contradictory things he wants to bring up at the worst times.
     g. If you can't loosen the lugnuts, turn on Panic! At the Disco to get pumped up and jump up and down on the wrench, which might work actually!
     h. Remove lugnuts in a star pattern. Idk, Google said to.
     i. Lift car on jack... again.
     j. Remove wheel, get oil and grime all over yourself and fall over first if that helps.
     k. Lower your car a bit... again.

BOOM! Done. Piece of cake.

STEP 5: Drive your sister's car to a used tire shop you just learned about 5 minutes ago from a stranger and buy a used tire.

The following transcript is a dramatized rendition:

The Noah: "Um hi, I'd like to buy a used ti - oh. Um. Never mind. I forgot the tire."

Salesmen: "Yes! Yes! Por this car what size?"

The Noah: "No. Um. I'll be right back I need to get something. I forgot the tire."

Salesmen: "The tire por this car! Por this car what size tire? Which tire?"

The Noah: "I'll be right back. I' sorry. The tire is still in the parking lot. I thought I put it in this car but I... Um..."

[The Noah slowly backs out and exits stage left]

And Scene... That was awkward for everyone. They thin you're insane now. You can't even focus enough to remember to bring the tire to the tire shop. You don't deserve music. Turn that crap off and ride in silence now!

Everything is fine let's just... do step 5 again.

STEP 5 (again): Drive your sister's car to get the tire, then to the used tire shop, show them the old tire, and buy a used tire.

$50 for a new, used tire... Fine I guess.

STEP 6: Put on the tire

Okay, so my tire is on and my car is drive-able. I don't know if I conveyed how much I felt like a failure at every single step. Instead of seeing a progression toward a goal, all I saw was a long series of slip ups, obstacles, and just... Noahness... But, when a stranger helped me put that tire on, and I took a step back to look at my fully-operational car, I reminded Axel that I'm allowed to feel a sense of accomplishment. I had a little help, because that's what adults do! They ask for help sometimes. I did a thing that everyone should be able to do. And it was hard, but I still succeeded. YOUR MOVE AXEL!

Hey, this post was kind of fun, and weirdly therapeutic. Don't worry I'm probably not going to keep talking about Axel in future posts. This was a one-off thing. Personally, when I feel like separating the "real me" from my fears, rage, and self-hatred, I like to call the real me "The Noah" and the part of me that I hate "Other Noah" or "Blurryface" for my TOP-fan readers (all 2 of you).

That was a whirlwind of a post. Share if you feel like it. Idk how to make a share button or a subscribe button, but you're smart you can figure it out.

Until next time,
T H E  N O A H & A X E L


NOTE: {Hey, I just realized I kind of created a false equivalence between JRA and fairly mild self-hatred and anxiety. Those are not the same thing. I'd take the latter any day of the week. Everyone's demons look different and I think quantifying and confronting yours can be super helpful. Sorry for plagiarizing [[taking inspiration from]] your blog Nat. Seriously it's really good though: natandarthur.wordpress.com}